I miss the times when wedding planning was fun.

I'm not complaining about the long list of things left to do.  I'm not complaining about money.  This issue is different entirely.

You all know that we spent last week in Pennsylvania visiting Philip's grandfather (Pop-Pop) in the hospital because he had a series of strokes and a heart attack.  Well, a heart valve is still leaking and they need to do surgery.  He also has some sort of bacterial infection on his heart.  He is supposed to be on a 6 week antibiotic and then have surgery afterwards.  He had yet another heart attack while he was in the hospital a few days ago.  They thought about moving up the surgery but didn't because his chances of survival would be really low.  

Now they are trying to make it to September 22nd to do the surgery.  His chances of making it through that surgery are "touch and go" (I swear, if I have to hear that phrase one more time, I'm going to slap someone).  If he has to have the surgery before then, the chances of survival are even more slim.  

For those of you who may have missed that, the surgery is scheduled for 2 days before our wedding.  Philip's dad's side of the family are telling us that they won't make it to the wedding.  They will hopefully be by their father's side while he is making a full recovery in the hospital.  I hope so much that this is the case.

If that is the case, we will be celebrating what is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives without a lot of very important people.  

If the unthinkable happens and Pop Pop doesn't make it through the surgery, what do we do?  How do we have a wedding when one of the people who helped raise Philip has just passed?  I can't even think of that.  

I'm in tears thinking of either possibility.  This is supposed to be a happy time.  Where is my happiness?  

I wish we could just postpone the wedding.  But, I don't think it's a possibility.  Invitations have gone out.  Deposits (or more) have been paid.  People have made travel arrangements already. 

I hate this so much.  I just want to cancel it all and curl up in a ball to sleep for weeks.  

Pop-Pop is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.  He reminds me so much of Philip (or I guess Philip reminds me of him since he's the elder person).  I joke that I know that I don't have anything to worry about for our future because I know exactly what Philip will be like when he's older -- Pop-Pop.  

Pop-Pop and Philip playing croquet. 

I've written about the ceremony that I wrote myself for our wedding.  In the welcome, I address Philip's Grammy and Pop-Pop.  You see, our wedding day falls on their wedding anniversary.  So, Jon will say something like, "May Philip and Tara enjoy a long and happy marriage like yours."  

I find myself working on wedding projects and thinking, "Why am I doing this?  This doesn't mean anything."  

Now, not only will most of my family not be there, but neither will most of Philip's family.  Right now, I've got 24 Yes RSVPs.  Realistically, we will have 10, maybe 15 more.  Out of the 160 people we invited, we will be lucky to have 40.  It's so depressing.  

We've put so much time, effort, and money into what will amount to nothing more than a large backyard barbecue.

I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer.  I know it's not what you want to read.  I just have to let it out somewhere.  I knew that I'd be stressed at the end, I just had no idea that I'd be stressed anything other than "Did we order enough cake?" or "Did I remember to bring my veil?"  You know, the usual stuff.  I didn't think we'd be dealing with Pop-Pop's health issues or a lack of guests to celebrate with.  

I just have to keep reminding myself that it will still be a wonderful day spent with the love of my life.  And, we will have a freakin' awesome 10 day Italian honeymoon to wash any sorrows away with.  And then I will get to come home and celebrate with the family I wish could've been there.  

Oh, the things I would change about this wedding if I could just go back in time.