It finally happened: my first wedding breakdown. I've been pretty proud of myself for remaining calm, cool, and collected. I didn't go so far as "bridezilla" but it still makes me feel a bit nutty.
I made no secret of how stressed the invitations made me. They took forever and I was worried how people would like them. It turns out that everyone (at least everyone who has said anything to me!) has loved them. My hard work paid off.
I thought that would be the end of that stress. Not so much. I was super excited on Thursday when I received the first set of RSVPs back. I received a few more on Friday and Saturday. My excitement is waning.
I knew going into this wedding that a great many of my friends and family members would be unable to make the trip to Pennsylvania for our wedding. Well, at least I thought I knew. Each time I get a "No" response from a family member, it hurts. So far, none of the No RSVPs have been surprises. I knew that it would be really difficult for these people to make it to PA. That doesn't make my heart break any less.
I have a very large family and it's looking like pretty much just my immediate family will be there to celebrate our wedding with us. And, it hurts. I don't blame the people who cannot be there with us, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
Philip will have all of his aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins there with him. I won't. I hadn't said anything to Philip about all of this. I knew that he'd feel terrible.
It's because of Philip that we are having this wedding in Pennsylvania. His dad is unable to take vacation from his job so he wouldn't be able to travel anywhere other than Pennsylvania (where he lives) for a wedding. I wanted Philip to be able to have his dad there for our day, so Pennsylvania was it. After all, my parents are capable of traveling to Pennsylvania (from Indiana) for a wedding.
So, I've kept quiet. However, it's been eating at me. Friday night, after another batch of no RSVPs arrived, Philip excitedly opened the envelopes. I excused myself to the bathroom to cry. I played it off as I just needed to use the restroom but I think he knew something was wrong. Then Philip tried to download something new on my phone and it messed up the layout of my whole phone. I was irritated and snapped at him.
For those of you who don't know me, this is very rare. I'm a very laid back person. I don't get upset or angry very easily. It takes quite a bit to set me off. That's one of the reasons I'm good at my job -- when an angry person calls in screaming and upset, I can calm them down just by remaining calm myself.
So, Philip was shocked. He of course gave me this heartbreaking look and asked me why I was so upset. I couldn't answer so I just walked outside to sit down for a while and cry. Philip left me alone for a few minutes (he knows me so well) and then came to talk to me.
He asked what was wrong and, of course, it all came pouring out. He tried his best to calm me down and tell me how wonderful our wedding was going to be. I told him that I felt like I was pouring my heart and soul (and countless hours) into planning a wedding that only his family was going to see.
Of course, he apologized profusely and held me while I cried (seriously, people. I am under too much stress! lol). Then I felt terrible and apologized to him.
I am still upset about all of it, but honestly, I feel a whole lot better after getting everything off my chest. Philip is wonderful for listening to me babble and cheering me up.
I feel slightly crazy for all of it. I can't help how I feel though. I know that the wedding will still be beautiful and wonderful. I just wish more of my family could be there to share it with me. At least I will have our second reception in Indiana after the honeymoon to look forward to. Hopefully getting everything off my chest will help me prevent breakdowns like this in the future!